One with the Season

and so i am flying back home.. i am so elated about it.

though i did not expect to be home for christmas.

i have been in singapore for just three weeks now and i have programmed myself to spend christmas here.

i and my roommates have even thought on how to spend the holidays!

however, the idea of spending christmas with my family is so hard to resist and since i was not able to spend it with them last year..now will be two years in a row..i have within me the desire to really be one with my family this christmas season..now that we are celebrating it with a wonderful add, my nephew, kram.

when i and papa talked two days ago, he told me to join the family on christmas. could it be a joke? what could have my sister told papa of for him to decide such? i wonder. but my sister assured me that papa just plainly wants me to be home on christmas.

we are not rich and so i knew it’ll be again a huge expense for him to incur..another round trip ticket for me so that i can continue my dream of getting outside my box and find my niche’ out of the comfort zone. they have to sacrifice some stuff they ought to have just to give way to what my plans are.

i felt so guilty that i can’t help but to cry so hard as i talked with papa. if i am to describe how hard i cried, it’s like i can fill a pail with the overflowing tears.

i asked him, “aren’t you tired of me?” because it seems that all this time, i have just thought of myself..pursuing whatever that pops into my mind.

he told me i was so silly to think about such.

he quipped, “i am your father, God made me to be with you to support you all the way, whatever plans you have..i am your supporter.”

with that, i cried harder.

i cannot contain it anymore. should i be glad or what?

all this time, i was so selfish, just thinking of pursuing just anything that will come up to me.

he said, “our life is a journey, we have trials along the way..never give up and just be strong.”

he added, “you have to be strong because i also draw strength from you. you should be the one who is telling me what to do and not me who’ll tell you what to do”

oh..papa has always uplifting words in handy. he says it at the right time. just when i needed one, there is.

he said, “worry not, i will take care whatever that is that has to be paid for the next trip. let me handle it.”

“but you owe me one thing” he mused.

“you owe stories, so you have to be home.”


for a few seconds he has not heard from me but only the cries..

then, they put the phone into loudspeaker and so my family did things that would make me smile.. i appreciate my family more than ever.

as i went back to the room,

i am still crying as i realized how blessed i am to have a great family.

some things according to the standards i have set were not met and that made me upset and sometimes making me unappreciative with what life throws at me.

i am really feeling guilty because i have not given due recognition and appreciation to the very treasure i have since birth-my family.

now, i might clamor over things that come my way but i’d rather zip it.

because, looking at the whole picture, i do not really have the right to complain.

i have been blessed with so much and all i have to do is be thankful for such blessing and bliss i have been bestowed of!

to God be the glory!

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Q and A

1.why people search those that can’t be seen around. why do we always love to look for those unavailable? say when we are eating something, we tend to have an appetite for those food that are not around. or when we are with our friends, we look for people or someone who are/is not around?

basically we look for something that isn’t around and that is just but normal. how can we look for something that our naked eyes can cover? so will you look for a cake when it is laid in front of you? we tend to look for more because we are insatiable. we desire more, more than what is with us at the moment. and looking for something not seen within our radius has been innate to other people’s system.

2.why is it difficult to appreciate those people while we are with them? why we get to know the importance of loved ones or others when we are far from them?

well, we have this notion that we always have them come what may. it has been a part of our routines to see them. thus, we aren’t get thrilled by their presence. they are just there, that is it. we don’t feel the need to say words of appreciation to them simply because we find it to be “corny”.

when we are far from our loved ones or those not seemingly close to us, there we would find their significance in our lives. we then learn to “miss” them. we long for those times that we have built memories with them. distance never fails to make our hearts yearn for those times spent with them and we hope that sometime soon, we will be able to make it happen again.

3.why do people leave their comfort zone?

they leave the comfort zone because they have dreams to pursue that cannot be realized within the said zone. huge opportunities are often found outside the box. in addition, people wanted to face more challenging endeavors which will make them grow personally and career-wise .

comfort zone appears to be too suffocating that some cannot stand the idea to stay there for long. the world offers much and the only way to grab those would be that one will have to leave his comforts.

4.why people risk for some things that do not  actually guarantee fruitful results? who are those who are those who engage on such?

to risk is synonymous to gamble. when we gamble, we are in the arena of uncertainty. people risk because they yearn for the better or best of things compared to what they currently have.

risk takers are not only those who are brave, a few of those who take risks are actually yellow-bellied. some take risks consciously and there are those who take it for the heck of having something to heed on. but in most cases, those who are daring, bold and adventurous take risks because they want to savor life to its fullest. i guess those people who basically knew that life is so short to inhibit themselves from experiencing life. risk takers are the ever hopefuls of this world. once we hope for the positive turn out, we are even more brave to gamble.

5. why a lot of people fear death?

the thought of death dreads a lot of us. the end of life seems to be a fate that most of us do not aspire to go through. but it is an unavoidable that we all ought to face.

i guess death per se’ is not what makes us afraid but it is the thought of dying without having done what we needed to do. it is the unpredictable nature of death that haunts us. truly, no one knows when is the exact time one dies. there is no one who can tell about it among us.

death knows no person. if it is your time, no matter how young or old you are, regardless of your enthusiasm to life or your will to survive, no matter what you do or whether you are at the prime of your career or life in general, if it is your time… it is indeed your time! thus one can’t help but to be anxious of when is that time for him to take that final bow in the stage of life.

on a religious light, some fear death because they are uncertain as to where they will spend eternity. will it be in heaven or in hell? they are not sure as to whether they have led an upright life or not.. they are not sure whether the good deeds they have done will enable them to reach heaven.. or are their faith enough to secure themselves a place in the said paradise. for sure, none of us is ever certain.

or some got too attached to life that the thought of it’s end is just so freaky. some can’t just imagine leaving behind wonderful times, valuable people and many great things.

6. why some love to blog?

blogging gives people the venue to speak out their thoughts virtually. there are ideas better written than said. and there are times when one feels the need to vent out something and though he has hoped to have someone to listen to him but all he has is a computer in front to keep him company.

or there is this rush of intellectual, comedic, emotional juices that one should express immediately and blogging is said to be the most convenient way. or others are open to share about their whereabouts hoping that some people can learn from it too.

in my case, i blog because this is so vital in keeping my sanity intact. ^^

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Unavoidable

“face the unavoidable, for that is but a temporary thing”, this is one striking thought i have learned from coelho’s fifth mountain. i cannot agree more to it. when tough times come, we have to brace ourselves and psych it up to face the pressing “inevitables” that cross our paths.


temporary is a relative word. when we hear that, we always have this notion that it means it won’t last. that leaves me with much curiosity now, won’t last for how long? until when?


sometimes i am easily growing impatient on things. i have to learn the art of patience, they say. but i think learning the art of patience is truly making me impatient. there are “unavoidables” that i want to face right away so that i will be able to spare myself from sleepless nights spent for worrying about it before it happens. surely to worry is much more difficult and grueling than to actually experience the thing that one worries about. as much as possible, when cards are distributed, i want to play it in an instant so that i’ll know whether i lost or won. and if i experienced the former, i’ll then have time to plan for another fallback. i do not just want to lose without doing anything then. losing too is normal so i have to move on and pick another pursuit to heed.


i have thought of this world as something routinary despite its complexities. i have thought that i know life well enough not to be thrilled or surprised by its never-changing aspects. and now, i am taken aback by what i am going through. it seems i am caught unprepared to the very battle that i have personally chosen in the first place. and now, this is sure one unavoidable that i have to face and i plead that i’d be given more time to gather enough faith, courage and wisdom; enough to make baby steps in facing it.


this unavoidable is temporary. and i surely want “temporary” to be defined once and for all so that i’ll have a rough idea on how long will i endure and stand this. i do not want to hear something like “it depends on you actually”, because there are just a lot of circumstances that we have wished to be over but it appears to be an unending adversity. though human will plays a big role on this, still external forces are way too powerful that even the huge hopes we have for ourselves and that of our future still falter.


that is unavoidable, no amount of escaping, denying and hiding can spare us from it. that is why it is unavoidable, it cannot be avoided.

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Self and the World

these days, i had ample time to reflect on things, the lot that i go through right now and that of others too

it dawned on me how lucky i am.

i am fortunate enough to spend quiet time to hear loud lessons i have to instill to my very being.

it is true, ms.min2x told me that this isn’t just a trip to search for a job but this is more of a trip to search within.

as days unfold, i get to know much of myself.

i have not liked the way i have spent my life for the past days here, i am harboring negative feelings for i have been living a life of a full-fledged bum.

a lot of my friends told me that i have to enjoy the “stillness” of my world for busy days might be on its way soon and that i’ll miss the kind of easy-going-no-pressure-life i am into now.

i just forced myself to believe on what they suggest.

but looking at the whole picture, there is truth to it.

i have to enjoy the time when i can acknowledge the blessings i have been bestowed.

i have to appreciate the time when i can be attentive to look and listen to what is really within me.

i have to grab the opportunity which allows the flush of insights and realizations to cross my thoughts and lay me a new angle on how to view life in a better way.

it does not follow that since i just see the four corners of the room everyday, i also think just like one who’s been stagnant in a box for the longest time and does know anything about the grandeur outside of it.

i can attest that it is not always the case; though i have started to realize that the more one wanders, the more she has experiences to share.

the world can actually be seen from the box

but the world is far better if you experience it yourself.

in the case of oneself; it’s more meaningful when one learns the art of introspection…

because the more one knows about what is within her, the more she can appreciate what the world offers.

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Overflowing

i may have my way on things,
i may have planned my life for the next years,
i may have my own desires and will,
i may have ironed out everything concerning my life..
but all those are futile when the master planner directs my life where it should heed.
He is all knowing..
i might have wanted the other way but He never ceases to lead me to where the best is.
His ways are unfathomable..
He leads me from mourning to rejoicing..
i cannot contend to what He wants for me,
because all these years He has been consistent, He has been there through and through..
this world offers endless struggles and challenges;
there are boundless bliss, possibilities and opportunities too..
we should not cease in believing with what we envision..
things happen when we believe and act on it..
everyday, there are miracles around..some are too mundane that we do not even bother to notice..
He works His miracles through you, through me..
acknowledge it and see life beyond what our eyes can see..
see this world through your heart, through your very being!
trust His works..
i bet He never knows how to fail us..

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Is It a Must to be Happy?

there will come a time when we question ourselves, “is it a must to be happy?”

usually this is raised when we weigh things concerning our work or relationship


yes, when we think whether we should stay or leave; whether we continue or let go..


reality and practicality set in


fulfilling our dreams is sure way to make us happy but sometimes, we just have to let go of those because where we are seem to be already good.


for some, they are trying to make themselves believe that they are already happy with who they are, what they have and where they are.


it’s there life anyway.

as for me, i am trying to hold on, i am trying to get by with what life hands me.

i am now toying the idea that happiness is not a must afterall.

say when you are working, it doesn’t matter whether you are happy with it or not so long as you know how to be happy with it, then off you go grab it.

most of the time, what matters is the compensation not the level of happiness you have with your work

well i guess happiness will just folllow when you have money.

i cannot believe i am saying this!

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That's Life

We do not always get what we deserve..

let us face it, even how hard we try to do things well, sometimes we do not achieve results that compensate with the efforts we had shed.

there are also instances when we have committed something unintetionally or we might have done things that were back up with the purest of our intentions and it turned out to be 360-degree different from the outcome that we have expected..

it is just disheartening to think deeply of those circumstances..

very heart piercing, so frustrating and more often we feel that we wanted to give in and shun ourselves from the world especially from those people who have betrayed us, from those people who have ruined our dreams, from those people who stripped us from what we have at present, from those people who doubted us, from those people who have accused us falsely, from those who have thought the worst from us, from those people who cannot just be happy for us, from those people who are always keeping track of our downfall..

life has never been fair indeed..

i always hear this passage: "everything happens for a reason"

i agree..

but let me add to that.

there's always a cause for the existence of every single thing and its results always have reasons..

it is just sad to note that most people feel that the lot in life they are going through is not the lot they deserve.. that in the case where one has committed wrong against somebody; the former gets to experience absurd consequences to the nth level as far as the created impact is concerned

yes, again we say..life is unfair! when was life fair anyway?

i mourn for those who cry for experiencing the life they ought not to have.

"life is indeed unfair!"

there are just so many personal experiences that can attest to that..

nevertheless, i do not blame God at all..

for afterall, it has never been his fault..

what we have experienced, what we are experiencing and what we will experience, truly may not be of our full making and those are not the lot we have desired for our very selves but in a way we are partly to be blamed.. and maybe a part of which are the people around..

life goes on.. it ought to be..

and before i end this..

i refute what i used to think and what i usually hear from others that the Almighty or life is unfair..

indeed, God is not at all unfair nor life itself..

i just realized that..

it is us---humans afterall, that make life unfair..

we just contrued life and God to be unfair..

see how unfair we can get?

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In a Snap of a Finger

oh who could have thought that i will get a boyfriend in korea!

actually, the thought of having a boyfriend after graduation has been playing in my mind on my final year in the university

i am really excited back then to get into a relationship.

i have actually set standards though i hate to admit it..

i wanted that my first boyfriend would be my last, that he should be intelligent, he should be active in church or in any organization..and a whole lot more..

it's is crazy to think about those days..

we will surely never know when we will fall in love and with whom..

in love, everything's unpredictable

in my case, though i am looking forward to have a boyfriend,i did not expect this soon, in here, and with a korean..

it is maybe just me who is making a big fuss about this..

before i answered him, the differences in our respective cultures was my primary concern.come to think of it, we are faced with so many differences but just the thought that love can help us pull through all those, i put myself into it.

answering him was one of the hardest decisions in my life..

it is not because i am not into him.. it was not a question of my feelings for him but it is more of my fears..

i am afraid of so many things,

i was so concerned of the feedbacks from other people seeing us together..

i am afraid that the relationship will not last since sooner or later i have to be back in the philipppines..

i am haunted by the thoughts of those standards i set before..

i am afraid to get hurt, i am uncertain if this is worth risking..

it's as if i am thinking that, i am like a businessman who is investing into something that i know will not last anyway..

i was so negative from the start..

nothing has started yet and here i am already thinking of not really good thoughts!!!

talking these concerns with my friends here made it more easier for me to cope..

i have learned that i should give myself a chance to be happy and that for once, i should learn how to set aside those irrational thoughts i have and those concerns regarding others' opinions..

for when i am happy, people always have something to say

and same is true when i am sad.. so why not choose to be happy instead?

loving is the most inspiring and rewarding act

but it can also be the most anxiety-ridden act if we reflect love in a way how others are expecting us to show it to our partner.

we all deserve to be happy and we are capable of creating our own happiness and also we have the capacity to create happiness in others.

i do not know exactly where would this relationship bring me,

i do not want to steal the happiness rightfully deserved by myself for the time-being

i have been thinking so much and sadly those were actually impertinent ones, well infact all i have to do is to love.



to all my friends who saw me giggle, smile, anxious, laugh, cry

thanks a bunch! i love you all and i owe you big time!

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I'm Torn

though i know that making a decision has been as casual and mundane as drinking water, i am still afraid of what might a single decision can bring to my life..

come to think of it, we make decisions almost every second of our lives,

and actually most of those are too simple that we do not even regard it as real decisions

we have misconstrued our acts as just acts rather than naming it as decision-making.

we then claim that the acts rightfully called decision making are solely the ones that involve so much.. those connote huge stakes or give us big breaks..

whatever that is that we are thinking, decisions and the act of arriving to one of those are very essential in our lives..

there is no simple nor complicated decision

and also

there is no right nor wrong decision

for

one way or another, we would find ourselves being hooked up into something that was unexpected, something unforeseen..

that is why, whichever way we go, whatever path we have journeyed, whatever decision we have followed...there will always be a flaw or worse, flaws!

so why then, why make big fuss in coming up with a "right" decision well in fact there is not even a wrong one?

hmmm.. actually this is just what i believed in..

this may not be in accord to your beliefs..

nevertheless, i still raise such a point..

why? why we spend sleepless nights thinking of a sound decision,

why do we devote so much time to figure out the pros and cons?

why are we already thinking of the possible consequences..which in most cases we exaggerate those..thereby inflicting our very selves the fears which in the first place not worth entertaining..

why do we become anxious?

and why do we always consider others expectations when we make a decision that concerns ourselves?

will they faithfully share with us the pangs of consequences?

will they, in any way understand us if we fail?

these are just some things i used to ask myself and up until now i am clueless~~~ that despite all that i have realized from my experiences in life, that despite the fact that i have learned in Psychology that we are powerful for we can make decisions on our own, that despite the thought that i lead a different life from the others: that i am unique and we all are...that despite the belief that there is no right nor wrong decision------

i am still haunted by the reality that a single decision can make or break me and that i am so preoccupied by that thought that i can hardly make one for myself..

the decision i meant is not as easy as whether i will drink water or not..

it is like choosing only one flavor of ice cream from a dozen array of my favorites.. :'(

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A Year or Two Wont Hurt

I have finally decided not to go home yet for i have to finish some things here..

these are crucial things that concern my future..

few months back, it is as if i wanted to go home the soonest possible time i can..

i was crying my heart out to my roommate when she was consoling me with the thought that the seven months left for us to wait is not that long...during that time i screamed with all my heart out with this ...."BUT SEVEN MONTHS IS SO LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNGGG!!!"

funny indeed to think about that instance when i was acting like a kid, crying so hard and desperately for during that time homesickness was truly unbearable for me!

indeed, come to think of it, seven months is surely a long time for me. though a lot of people will contend that these days, time flies. oh well at some point i agree to that..i sometimes get to catch myself saying such..

so now, we only have two months left since the time i had that burst of emotions. and those five months that had passed changed so many things about me, about my life.

i can hardly believe that last week, when everyone was jotting the final schedule of departure for philippines, i was the only one who did not write any date for i have made up my mind to stay..

actually the ticket is free and so i do not have to worry on how to go home but on the practical side, i chose not to for i do not want to be bothered by the thought on how to come back here to finish and pursue some things that will surely be of essential part in my life in the near future..

i chose to continue studying here..

opportunities are coming and they are too favorable for me to resist

i am hitting the iron while it is hot!

surely i miss my family

i miss my friends too

i miss those responsibilities given to me back home

i also miss our native food

inasmuch as i want to go back home, i cannot for the time-being

i guess i have matured enough to apply the art of weighing the practicality of things..

i guess i am just confident enough that no matter how long will i stay here, those people i love and love me will constantly be there supporting whatever endeavor i chose and will choose..

i guess i trust and i believe enough that God will unceasingly bless those people i care for back home and also unceasingly look after me here

i guess i am hopeful enough that this decision will make me a better individual who is not only good for herself but for others.



clouds are still surely in my thoughts

come to think of it, no one is certain of what the future holds

right now, i am continuously discerning

i am not afraid to commit mistakes for we are all bound to do so..

what i am doing right now is psyching up myself to believe in what decision i have arrived into..

i can do this!

i can make this through!

Almighty, hear my prayers! :)

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