Letting Go

It's been a year now since I wrote this Letting Go note :)
This has helped me so much.
And now, I cannot help but to laugh. What we can do because of love is something unexplainable. I did not realize 'how much' I was emotionally dragged by my first-and-last relationship so far, until I saw this one. To date, this is the most personal note I allowed the public to see. I hope others who can relate can learn something out of this. ^_^

I do not dread falling in love for I claim that - to acknowledge and express love, and embrace the love given, are in the list of the greatest experiences a human can encounter. However, I dread what a short-lived love with much beautiful possibilities of growth can do- like in my case.

Approaching to four years now and I cannot still move on, or I have chosen not to move on. I am pathetic, yes I am. I do not know what kind of spell I am under. I do not know exactly why I act this way, all I know is – it started because I have risked in love, I have embraced love, I have loved.

If his claim is true that I broke up with him three times, I must be paying every act of rejection with a year. If so, by now, I have fully moved on and have opened up myself to possibilities of getting in a relationship with others. The truth is, no matter how I try, or maybe I have not tried enough, there has never a day that passed that I have no thoughts of him. Yes, never. Call me pathetic, I accept it.

This is the prize I have to pay for making a rash decision during the time he failed to call me. He missed to call and I made big fuss about it. How immature I am you say; yes very true again, I will not contend.

I broke up with him during the time I am in love with him. I called it quits not because I doubted his love for me, rather my whims of a relationship had not been fed. What’s worse to think now is, I love him more despite the fact that the both of us were already apart.

For a long time I felt that we did not have a closure, but looking back, we had. Days before I left for the Philippines, we met at a café house and parted in the most civil and friendly way possible. I recalled, too, that I was hurt when we bid goodbye to each other because it made me realize that we are not of each others’ anymore.

Now I reckon that everything I feel is under the spell of two words put together.. the spell of “what if”… what if during the time I broke up with him, he has a very good facility of the language to explain to me his side or to be able to put words together to shut my idiosyncrasies. How I wish it was like that.

There are times when I hoped that we parted ways in bad terms so that it’s so easy for me to curse him or to forget about him. It could have been way effortless for me to move on from that month-long relationship without any hang ups on my part. Yes, I wish it could have been that way.

No one will ever understand why I fell hard for him until I relate our love story, not until I share what made me fall for him and what were the simple things that he had done that made so much impact to me. After all, I have only myself as witness to all those sweet nothings that brought me a whole bliss.

And if it’s true that I have hurt him much, I want to ask for forgiveness through my sincere act of apology. I want to get out from this chain of spell. And if there is a chance to meet him, I will. I would rather not send him a message or call him now, I just want to meet him and talk things out personally. Hug him tight as I ask for sorry.

I will only be pacified and relieved if I get to meet him at once, air out my thoughts, and the emotions that cripple my whole system. :”(

If what I am going through now is the product of what I have done to him, I feel this is already too much of a burden for me to bear. Again, I have only loved. I might have made some irrational decisions along the way, but I feel I do not deserve like this much.

Lord, forgive me for everything I have done to the love and goodness of what my ex had shown me. But please Lord, allow me to forgive myself. Guide me as I choose the path to a better me, I will heed the call to move on. Make me realize that someone will love me, not exactly the way my ex showed it, but strong enough to make me believe again in the magic of what love does.

Lord, make our paths cross again and may you give me the chance to ask forgiveness to him. Wherever he is right now, may he be fully happy. And in our next meeting Lord, make us realize that what we did in the past, to be apart from each other, to call it quits, was just the best thing to do.