I LOVE YOU

i was told recently that there was a man who was fighting for his life, while he had his last gasps, he uttered to do's to his officemate who was around with him when he had an attack, saying: please say "i love you" to... mom, please say "i love you" to... my nieces and nephews, and so on and forth. he started his sentences with nothing else but - please say "i love you" to..

i was struck by the story. i cannot imagine how hard it is to face death when you are at the prime of your life; all the more it is difficult to embrace death when you wanted to say a lot of things to the loved ones you will be leaving behind. i am pretty confident that the one who passed away could have died happier if he had that chance to tell the "i love you's" to his loved ones personally. he might have wanted to ask even for an hour to bid them a loving goodbye.

"i love you", a cliche-sounding phrase, we usually hear around but not often uttered by us.
i for one am not so used to say this to my immediate family.
my fear now is - i might die without saying this to them, i hope my actions suffice what i feel for them.
but i believe that saying "i love you" is not enough nor mere acts of love without affirmation through words are also not enough.
love is powerful when it is expressed through words coupled with actions.
we live to love; it is through love that we live.
i hope we will not wait for death to have the courage to express our "i love you's"
i pray that we will be more loving to everyone around, especially to those who are difficult to love.
may our love for ourselves and for others inspire us to live fully.
i love you, yes, i love you!

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Dear SSEAYP

Dear SSEAYP,

i should not be wondering anymore why is it that i cannot stop smiling whenever people ask me of you, or whenever i share to others about you. you have brought so much bliss to my life. you have been instrumental in molding me to become a lot better citizen of this world. you have given me venues to be friends with youths of Japan and ASEAN countries.

as i recall my journey in realizing my SSEAYP dream, i feel that i deserve a tap on the shoulder. i cannot imagine how rigorous the process was. everything related to you has its own beauty to reveal. the journey was never a walk in the park for there were times that i felt pain, i got frustrated and i even had thoughts on giving up. i have to thank the people who have pushed me to where i really want to be; i am aware that not everyone is as fortunate as i am to have the strongest support system there could be.

we always have to be tougher than our dreams and though you are tough to reach, i equipped myself to be a little tougher that you! you might have felt how hard i tried, true enough, you gave in and conspire with the whole universe to enable me to embrace you.

SSEAYP, you were a dream come true! when i came across

you, you were so distant then. i am very happy to note that i had you and i will forever have you! the friends and families you introduced to me were amazing! even if we speak in different languages, we can surprisingly understand and relate to each other. we have developed a special bond that will bind us for a lifetime. i am deeply overwhelmed by the love and warmth we share, it has crushed any differences we have. it also proved that bonds need not be formed in years for just in days, i have felt that our lives have been intertwined :)

SSEAYP, even if i try to put millions of words together, i cannot capture what i truly feel for you.

some people think i am crazy to talk about you over and over again, but i usually tell them that they will never understand and they will never have any clue why i act this way until they experience YOU! :)

some others tell me to move on, but that is just so silly. how can i move on from an experience that will forever be part of me? should i decide to move on, it is a step forward to greater feats, and it is definitely with you- my dear SSEAYP, in my heart:)

i am a PY, and forever i will be a PY! :))

PPY malou

P-56

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How far can your faith push you?

I cannot remember when I learned to pray, all I can remember is – it was my parents who taught me how.
I can remember though that once I doubted God and why I did such.

When I was still a child, my parents would bring us all together in their room for a family prayer. We also said the rosary every night. On the days when papa cannot come home or when he will arrive late, mama leads it. My family seems to be perfect, but like any other family there is – we are not.

A couple of times I and my siblings engaged into a fistfight or I even experienced being bitten by my younger brother and kicked by my older brother – yes, we beat and bit. We also say really bad things to each other. There was even a point when I wished I am just the only child. Of course, when my parents knew about the crazy things we do while they were out for work, they will reprimand us or hit us out of dismay.

We are a simple family. We may not be rich then but my parents took time to bring us out for lunch to Jollibee or McDonalds every Sunday. I thought it was an effort on their part to bring their five children out every week. Years passed, we went to school, had more needs to meet and had a lot of preoccupations to attend to. We may not have forgotten the usual family activities we used to do – the family prayer and the Sunday lunch, but we hardly had time for it.

Things changed. We still have misunderstandings but never translated to violent actions. Well, I must admit that the exchange of words against each other are more piercing and have more lasting impact. Now, I wish those exchanges were turned into fistfights. We still pray and attend mass, but this time – on our own.

My childhood influenced me much. Our upbringing shaped my actions and perspective in life. Of all the things that our parents have provided and imparted to us, I believe that it is their faith in God that has the most impact to me. In times when life gets tougher, it is my faith that pushes me to live life to its fullest with much optimism for brighter days, not having to worry because I know that no problem is greater than my God.

Just recently, problems came rushing, truly overwhelming. It brought much tears to my parents. My father who rarely cries did cry like a little boy. My mother breaks down into tears if you just utter few words that would touch the problems at hand. For someone who has a meager income and is still finding her niche, it is difficult to give words of assurance and comfort by telling them that I will pay the debts and take care of the property foreclosures.

In times like this, it is only my firm faith that I can concretely share to give them solace with what we are facing. I shared to my father that the best days are yet to come. I reminded him of what they taught us - to just pray, may it be during ups or downs. And I have emphasized to him that when they pray, they should not at all doubt that God will listen to their pleas. We surely cannot underestimate what God can do.

I have been through a lot and I have surpassed those, not because of my human prowess but all because of God’s graciousness. Everyday, the Father gives us miracles; we just have to allow our eyes to see it and our hearts to embrace it. Some miracles are too great yet some can be mundane.

One time, a non-believer asked me if there is really God and with strong conviction I told him that there is. I have felt God’s presence in my life - which is too difficult for me to describe; I will be too naïve to doubt about His existence. I have never doubted and He has always delivered.

How I wish I can put the right words together to fully express what I feel. I am blessed to have a family that helped me find this kind of faith and I am very happy to have circles that help me nurture it. My faith inspires me to seek the beauty of every encounter, to appreciate the littlest of things and to give premium to my relationships with others.

Difficulties make the present and future vague and difficult to bear, but we always have to be reminded that God will help us pull things through. If it is not as soon as today, it can be later, but never late to the time we really need it. We have to believe and we have to let go of our grip of other things; we have to empty our hands to keep hold of what He will pour on us.

Yes, there is so much to look forward to for the bounty blessings will soon come!:)

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Lessons from my father

happy father's day to all the fathers out there, especially to my brother - toto mark and of course papa bert :)

sharing with you the blog i wrote almost three years ago, culling it out and post it here as i give honor to my papa on the ocassion of Father's day! :)

Lessons from my father

October 1st, 2008 by maloueudela

Although I can say that this year has brought us so much bliss in the family,
still in the light of my personal experiences, I have regarded this year as such a crucial and crises-ridden one
There had been so much plans that were not realized under my timetable
Those were not easy for me to accept
I have gotten myself to some acute frustration attacks, mostly known and kept just within me
There were times that future seems so vague, so blurry

I even reached the point where I do not exactly know where to pick up myself and what is worse is, if ever I already have the courage to successfully put the broken pieces back, I sincerely do not know to which direction of life will I bring myself to.
I am dumbfounded with the turn of events
I cannot just stay at the side, try to console myself with the thought that,
“malou, everything happens for a reason.”

Or

“malou, worry not, jinx won’t last because everything will come to pass”
At some point, I must admit that those statements do have certain reassuring and lifting emotional impacts, however if it is a fact that everything will come to pass, its effects to my emotional senses too do last.
I cannot just sustain myself with those
Whether I like it or not, I have to bring myself up to face the certain predicament I am into
I am so baffled.
Not in my wildest dreams have I thought that I will be at this crossroad where no single option is ever clear to me.
I cannot then help but to seek those old days when I get to share with my father the simplest and mundane things I do .
I believe that he has always that wisdom that has the capacity to shed light to the seemingly dim place I am in.



After hearing me out, he has shared valuable points that have urged me to develop a different perspective.
He shared that it is but normal for me to go through tough times in reaching my aspirations for there is sure no short-cut way to reach a dream. I have to at least start from scratches and work my way wherever that dream is.

He then pointed out my issue of having this some sort of bruised ego for still asking money from him sometimes. His explanation towards it was: “do you think I would be glad if you are not asking any amount from me anymore? Do you think I will be happy knowing that you can handle it all, letting me feel that you are in total control of your life? Of course I am not at all happy. I am your father and it is always a pleasure on my part to be of help to you.”

When I heard that, I was truly overwhelmed.
My heart leaps for a matter of seconds but after which, I aired some of my points.
I told him that we are coming from different perspectives. He is a father who wants to show his being father through support in all aspects. A father who takes pride in giving his child financial aid to whatever expenses his child incurs.

And I am a daughter who wants to show my being responsible daughter. And I define “responsible daughter” as somebody who extends some amount to cover finances in the family, somebody who has gotten herself a degree and is already able to realize her dreams thereby making her family proud of her.

And more than that, I am somebody who has the ego not to depend much from others.
Yes, he has never put pressure on me. He has been there through and through. I can sense that he sees a bright future in me only if I know how to take things one step at a time. That is what he used to emphasize to me; in life we have to grasp things at a certain pace and at a specific point of time. Surely, we cannot have everything at the same time.

The next point he really wanted to convey to me was: “work not for compensation but for the happiness and fulfillment that the work can bring you.” I have to thank him for reminding what I have really longed to be doing. Yes, at the age where I am not super pressured by financial dues to be met unlike those with families already, I guess I am in the position to make decisions that will lead me to a work that will give me fulfillment over anything. To be plain honest, that statement I have mentioned sounds ironic to me.

Young? I should find work that earns a lot so that I can address my whims and avoid the possible occurrence of psychological term “fixation” over certain things or stage in my life. I might end up feeling bitter for having let the time passed without having fully enjoyed the great time I ought to spend. I do not have commitments on a romantic note yet, that is why I have to grab the chance to save a lot for my future family and what better way to it is through having a high-paying job regardless of the level of satisfaction I get out of it.

Whatever it is, whether when is the right time to be engaged in the job that gives fulfillment more than any monetary gain, I do not know. What I just believe to be true is, the more one grows in age, his priority changes. What holds true few years back can possibly be altered at present.

He also expressed to me that I just have to stay within my comfort zone for the time being. With that, I still have mixed emotions, I want to explore the world and frankly there is this part of me that doesn’t have the drive to do so. Papa told me that in time, I surely need to step outside my comfort zone but he believes that the best time is not yet now. I am in a way feeling bad about it for just when I thought I am old enough to independently face any hurdles of life, he made me realize that it is not completely true for he has even doubts as to whether I can do it at THIS time.

And of all the lessons I have learned from him, what holds most valuable is the faith he has with God. He keeps on reminding me to trust in God’s ways and always pray for guidance. I cling to what he believes which goes - 'God has better plans for us all. We all have to pray for it and wait for it to pour on us.'

In times like this, nothing can best give me peace other than my father’s faith in God. This may not hold true to others but at least it does with me. And I will always be thankful to my parents especially to my father for imparting such a wonderful gift to me, the gift of faith that I will eternally cherish.

Although faith alone cannot bring me to my personal dreams but when it’s coupled with actions, surely in few years time I will be seeing myself just where I exactly longed it to be.

And believe me when I say… I cannot just simply wait for it to come! (Now, patience here is my issue.)


Papa with the rest in family after a despedida party for me :)

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Lend a Hand

believe that the opportunity to help is always there.
we just have to be keen and sensitive to the needs of others.
we do not need much to help.
most often, we might feel hesistant to help because we have thoughts that we cannot still address all their problems anyway.
true, we extend a hand and there are still a number of pressing problems that need to be addressed.
but, should that fact be a defining point whether to help or not?
should we delimit ourselves to share whatever little we have?

sharing, loving and blessing other people with who we are and what we have know no place nor time;
it however knows the sincerity of the heart and purity of one's intention.
as i immerse myself in the community where i am assigned to do fieldwork, i have realized how blessed i am to be able to eat three times a day or even more.

i reckoned how damn lucky i am to sleep in a house with a comfortable, soft bed, with electricity, with sofa, with a table, with aplliances and much more.
yes, i am blessed to have much as i compare myself with the people i encounter in the area.
but, the challenge is not how quick i am to reflect on these, rather it is more on what i do with the realization that i am blessed.

there were days when my heart is crushed over and over again by the stories people share to me, especially the mothers. mothers crying for they cannot send their children to school because they do not have enough money to buy for uniforms and school supplies. i do not wonder anymore for they are also in short of money to afford three meals a day.

what do i do then? cry? no good.
when they talk, i just sit there at their side, look at their eyes and try hard to convey a message of hope;
assuring them that as long as we live, we have all the reasons to hope and to look forward to brighter days ahead.
i hope it is all that easy. whew!

i am writing this because you may just want to consider buying a notebook for some children who do not have at the moment.
i am writing this because you might have longed to help but you are still waiting for that chance or that best time to extend help. well, this could be now :)

one time, as i walk back to the main road, a little girl asked me, "do you have an extra watch?".
i thought for a moment then said, "i am not sure if it still works", then i asked her,"why are you asking?".
she then answered, "ah, it is my dream to have a watch. my father saw a watch at the road last time and brought it home. he promised to fix it, until now he has not fixed it."

Awww.. just when everyone is so preoccupied in realizing their big dreams, there is this little girl who considers having a watch as her greatest dream to date.

people in the community have a lot of great stories to share.
their everyday triumphs are unimaginable!
much can be said about them and about my encounters in there, but it is different if you experience it yourself.

for now, my plea is - if you are willing to help in anyway to the people, especially to the children in the community, let me know :)
malou

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