I'm Torn

though i know that making a decision has been as casual and mundane as drinking water, i am still afraid of what might a single decision can bring to my life..

come to think of it, we make decisions almost every second of our lives,

and actually most of those are too simple that we do not even regard it as real decisions

we have misconstrued our acts as just acts rather than naming it as decision-making.

we then claim that the acts rightfully called decision making are solely the ones that involve so much.. those connote huge stakes or give us big breaks..

whatever that is that we are thinking, decisions and the act of arriving to one of those are very essential in our lives..

there is no simple nor complicated decision

and also

there is no right nor wrong decision

for

one way or another, we would find ourselves being hooked up into something that was unexpected, something unforeseen..

that is why, whichever way we go, whatever path we have journeyed, whatever decision we have followed...there will always be a flaw or worse, flaws!

so why then, why make big fuss in coming up with a "right" decision well in fact there is not even a wrong one?

hmmm.. actually this is just what i believed in..

this may not be in accord to your beliefs..

nevertheless, i still raise such a point..

why? why we spend sleepless nights thinking of a sound decision,

why do we devote so much time to figure out the pros and cons?

why are we already thinking of the possible consequences..which in most cases we exaggerate those..thereby inflicting our very selves the fears which in the first place not worth entertaining..

why do we become anxious?

and why do we always consider others expectations when we make a decision that concerns ourselves?

will they faithfully share with us the pangs of consequences?

will they, in any way understand us if we fail?

these are just some things i used to ask myself and up until now i am clueless~~~ that despite all that i have realized from my experiences in life, that despite the fact that i have learned in Psychology that we are powerful for we can make decisions on our own, that despite the thought that i lead a different life from the others: that i am unique and we all are...that despite the belief that there is no right nor wrong decision------

i am still haunted by the reality that a single decision can make or break me and that i am so preoccupied by that thought that i can hardly make one for myself..

the decision i meant is not as easy as whether i will drink water or not..

it is like choosing only one flavor of ice cream from a dozen array of my favorites.. :'(

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A Year or Two Wont Hurt

I have finally decided not to go home yet for i have to finish some things here..

these are crucial things that concern my future..

few months back, it is as if i wanted to go home the soonest possible time i can..

i was crying my heart out to my roommate when she was consoling me with the thought that the seven months left for us to wait is not that long...during that time i screamed with all my heart out with this ...."BUT SEVEN MONTHS IS SO LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNGGG!!!"

funny indeed to think about that instance when i was acting like a kid, crying so hard and desperately for during that time homesickness was truly unbearable for me!

indeed, come to think of it, seven months is surely a long time for me. though a lot of people will contend that these days, time flies. oh well at some point i agree to that..i sometimes get to catch myself saying such..

so now, we only have two months left since the time i had that burst of emotions. and those five months that had passed changed so many things about me, about my life.

i can hardly believe that last week, when everyone was jotting the final schedule of departure for philippines, i was the only one who did not write any date for i have made up my mind to stay..

actually the ticket is free and so i do not have to worry on how to go home but on the practical side, i chose not to for i do not want to be bothered by the thought on how to come back here to finish and pursue some things that will surely be of essential part in my life in the near future..

i chose to continue studying here..

opportunities are coming and they are too favorable for me to resist

i am hitting the iron while it is hot!

surely i miss my family

i miss my friends too

i miss those responsibilities given to me back home

i also miss our native food

inasmuch as i want to go back home, i cannot for the time-being

i guess i have matured enough to apply the art of weighing the practicality of things..

i guess i am just confident enough that no matter how long will i stay here, those people i love and love me will constantly be there supporting whatever endeavor i chose and will choose..

i guess i trust and i believe enough that God will unceasingly bless those people i care for back home and also unceasingly look after me here

i guess i am hopeful enough that this decision will make me a better individual who is not only good for herself but for others.



clouds are still surely in my thoughts

come to think of it, no one is certain of what the future holds

right now, i am continuously discerning

i am not afraid to commit mistakes for we are all bound to do so..

what i am doing right now is psyching up myself to believe in what decision i have arrived into..

i can do this!

i can make this through!

Almighty, hear my prayers! :)

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PPS

Encountered the story of pontius pilate in one of the bible readings during the observance of the holy week sometime in my elementary years.

he was the governor when jesus was sentenced to death through cucifixion. what was interesting about pontius pilate was that he passed the blame to the people, who have chosen barnabas to be freed instead of jesus. pontius pilate washed his hands from the decision of persecuting jesus. it's as if he is not at any reason responsible to the lot of jesus.

so here goes now my reason for coming up with the pontius pilate syndrome in my context.

i have learned that we are all capable of exhibiting the pontius pilate syndrome.

actually i want to contend that we innately have it.

there are points in our lives that we wanted to play safe,

that we don't want be responsible of our plans/desires/intentions/ or actions

we usually invite others to make decisions on our behalf,

not because we trust them so much to decide what is the best for us but most of the time we just want to have somebody to blame if things did not work out well as what we have thought it will be.

we do not want to think that we have brought our own ruin that is why we unconsciously utilize some strategies to save ourselves at the expense of others.

pontius pilate syndrome (pps) comes in different forms.

there are those who are fully aware of what they are doing. they intentionally pass the blame to others or another way to clean their name is to employ occasional memory gap or the other is selective alzheimer's disease.. we just recall those memories that might be of help to us or worse, we try to dig those false memories and assert it with all might for our own defense..

i have encountered a couple of people who are consistently exhibiting their "PPS". they are way too rude to step on others just to feel better. and they are way too naive to feel what pain or insult they have inflicted others. they are way too closed-minded not to see the possibilities outside their personal box..they are way too human to be dominated by their too selfish motives. and they are way too cunning to always find a way out of the loopholes they've created.

i guess.. i am now familiar with the characteristics of people with full-fledged pontius pilate syndrome..

this time i'll be clever in getting along with them..

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SpotLight

We humans are in need of recognition..

from the day we were born we are already struggling to be recognize by others..

it is but actually normal to have that need..(need nga eh)

we have our own spotlights

some are good at this and yet some are good at that.

we cannot be excellent at all things

but i firmly believe that each one is excellent in something!

~~~spotlight!

whew!

with my experiences so far, i reckoned that there are really people who just want to take the spotlight for their own happiness and motives.

vicarious learning taught me that there are some who cannot just be fully happy for others' triumphs!

yes, wanting attention for one to be happy is just okay

but if you are already employing measures to intentionally hurt other people; making them feel that you are far way better than them is a different story.

life indeed is so dynamic in its diversity and so it applies to us-humans.

we have our own spotlights, we need not get those owned by others.

each has his/her own time to shine.

if you had already yours... give way.

that is too loony of you to go beyond what is alloted for you.

if you have not had yours... be patient.

surely you will have your time.

-----

action speaks louder than words,

even if you flatter or praise;

one is not that naive and stupid not to realize whether what you utter is true or not..

be profoundly happy for others so that by the time you will rejoice for your success, you will have friends who will genuinely celebrate with you! :)

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Justify

we utter words that we normally do not know what they really mean..

okay, we claim that we know those words but we don't exactly know what are its impact on the one who is receiving those.

if there is something that we should guard about ourselves, i believe those are the words that we throw away

talking, if not the easiest thing to do in this world, is surely one of the effortless acts we usually perform. it is as easy as one..two..three.. easy and simple as it may seem, they blow that can be brought by wrong words are as piercing as a well-sharpened sword and blasting as that of nuclear bomb or shall i say even worse than those described.

we cannot just outrightly say to the person "i hate you!" or ""i am annoyed by you!" or "i like you!" or "i love you" with no apparent reason. everything has reasons! i don't need to expound on that.

for saying "i love you or i like you to the person" without elaborating what you said is not that hard to fathom actually..one can just infer that there is something in him/her that is too damn good to be noticed by others.

however in the case of saying "i am annoyed by you" or "i hate you" without any explicitly stated reason is something i feel very stupid!one can hardly guess what is in him/her that made the other party felt bad or annoyed about.

there are some things that can be understood in a blink of an eye and there are those that need explanation.

now if we cannot justify the words we have spoken, then it might be true that the issue is within us.

some people try to lead a peaceful life,

surely everyone wants to live a happy life.

sadly, some people for no apparent reason just want their way onto things. and they claim that they are the ones who are in the aggrieved party. now, let me ask you: is it justifiable?

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